Tuesday, August 22, 2017

LOSING "ROGER" -- MY FAVORITE SECRET ADMIRER.


Now how do I start?

Well first of all. This is one post I NEVER wanted to do. Writing an entry would just confirm it. But I just have all these thoughts in my head and aches in my heart that I want to let out. And it was all caused by losing a VERY great man.




I am not going to enumerate his many academic and professional accomplishments because doing so would just put him on some sort of level and make him comparable to other people. He had so much (even with his humble beginnings) but these were not the only reasons why he was well loved and respected. Instead, I'll just share why he was (or is??) somebody so special to us and to the many people he had helped. Because really, titles, awards, and accolades that he received were one thing (and he had many!), at the end of the day, what matters most was how he was ALWAYS there for me, the family, and his relatives.

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Here are some of my loving memories of him in no particular order. I know I won't remember all of it because we have a lot...


My Dad is the reason why my family and I are such foodies. He always finds something to celebrate about with food. It doesn't have to be in a 5-star restaurant. We would even celebrate in Jollibee or KFC (with packs of hot rice because they didn't sell that before) and have an unforgettable time. What's important anyway was that we were all together and it was all the time!

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He was the one who always took us out to the memorable (or dare I say "iconic"?) places/activities that we have today.... Like the Christmas show on COD, picnics in Luneta, Manila Bay sunsets, the "usuals" in Baguio, and so so much more.

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My Daddy may be a Civil Engineer but when he was younger, he really wanted to be a Doctor. When he made this declaration to his Father, my Lolo said he should just take a shorter course because he felt that he will not live long enough to attend his graduation. My Daddy would tell us many times how he was crying while enrolling for College but he was a very obedient son. True enough, my Lolo passed away after 4 years. He was able to attend his graduation but was not able to congratulate him for passing the board exams. My Lolo suddenly died of a heart attack leaving my Dad to be the bread winner for him, his Nanay, 4 other siblings, and 2 pamangkins.

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You could tell from the way he could choose from any professional course that my Daddy was very smart. Yes! Very! He was also a Physics teacher in FEU that even in his 80s, he didn't need a calculator to make computations. His friends and relatives could certainly attest to how great his brain was. One time in FEU, there was an emergency when a child put a nail inside his ear. The poor kid wedged the nail so deep that the doctors cannot get it out. For some reason, my Daddy was called (since he was known to always come up with clever solutions) and he made this magnetic contraption that pulled the nail out enough for the doctors to successfully get the whole thing! Wohoo!! Believe it or not the story was printed in newspapers. I'll try to get a copy from my aunts in the US!

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When Daddy was still in the corporate world, he was the head engineer for all of PLDT'S projects (he was the one who built their old building in Makati). He then had a great offer in Australia where the board and education for all of us will be shouldered. Uy! We'll be like Expats!!! He was about to take it but when his Nanay became ill, he declined the offer and took charge in taking care of her. He took care of her until her death.

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All of Daddy's sisters went abroad and one of my aunts left her son and daughter behind. This made my Dad a very young "Father" to his nephew and niece while he was still in college. My Daddy didn't mind because he would do anything for his family. So when my Mom met my Dad, she was going to marry into a family with a sick Nanay, 2 teenagers, and my Daddy's younger brother.

Yep. To give you a picture how my Daddy took care of everyone in his family, he helped my uncle get into many jobs and even put up a piggery business. My Mommy remembered how my uncle would sometimes get into trouble and it's my Daddy who'd help him out. When my uncle got sick, it's my Dad again who took care of him. Of course, my aunts sent money every now and then but the bulk of the responsibility was on my Dad.

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I'm sure you see now how much he loved his family and how important it was for him not to forget his parents as well. With that, he sternly made this reminder that when he dies, he should be buried at the cemetery where my Lolo and Lola are. I remember that we were all complaining how far it was from our place but he has already decided. "This is so that you'll also visit my parents! Ayokong magkaroon ng araw ng patay at semana santa na walang dumadalaw at naglilinis ng libingan nila!" Okkkkay!!! He he he he he!

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My Daddy had a lot of friends but we're not just talking about CEOs, politicians, or his orgs where he became Chairman or Board of Directors (Rotary, PICE, Knights of Rizal, etc etc). He is also friends with the security guards, the waiters, the cleaners, the gardeners, the vendors, etc of the places that he'll go to. He is friends with everyone. When we're with him, he would always chat up with his sukis. He also loved helping them that when one would come by asking if he's looking for a driver or maintenance for the building, my Daddy would say yes even if he didn't. He figured that we would always have the extra money to help out those who need to earn for their families. (That's why when he left us, it was so hard going to our usual establishments because his "friends" always asked about him. :( )

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Now even if Daddy had a lot of friends, he would ALWAYS put us first. I remember many times when his friends or organizations (Rotary, Knights of Rizal, PICE, etc etc) would have Christmas parties or out of town trips, he would never leave our side. Even when his friends are already calling out to him, he would join them for a bit then immediately go back to us. His point is, he could always join his friends when they have a getogether but when we're with him, we are his "bosses". I remembered how one time we were in a family trip with his friends and he really stuck it out with us. I saw how his friends kept on inviting him to walk with them but he joked that "baka mawala kami". When I saw the families of his friends managing by themselves, I really felt so proud that my Daddy never left us and still made us feel special even when his gang are there. We are always, after all, his number one priority. 

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Unlike most guys, my Daddy is very clingy to his family. Yes. Clingy. Ha ha ha ha ha! He made us all promise not to live in another country (not like we wanted to anyways... he he he) and that we should all stay together. When my Mom would leave the house to visit her family, he would always call and ask what time she's coming home. When she's not home at that time, he would ask her to come because they have a date in Powerplant Mall. Ha ha ha ha! When THE YAPPY BUNCH is in Lucena for the weekend, he would always call to tell us that he's missing the boys. Convo would then steer to what we're having for dinner to which he'll answer that they're going to eat at (insert my favorite restaurant). Auughhh!!! I admit it really irritated me that time because I would always believe that they'll go to my favorite place without me. Ha ha ha ha ha! As in he's very kulit. He would always call to purposely bug us. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(When we recently had our weekend in Lucena, the first time after he passed, it suddenly felt so lonely that my phone did not ring with him at the other end. I admit, as in kulit na kulit and sometimes pikon pa ako sa kaniya noon {because!! he's nangiinggit with how much fun they're having without me!!!}, but now I really, really, miss his calls. In fact, I appreciate it now. HAAAAAY!)

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If he's that helpful to regular people, you should imagine how he was with our relatives. My Daddy was somehow the "go-to" guy. If there's a problem, most of my relatives would ask for help or advice. There have been times that my Daddy employed aunts or cousins so that they could have job experience. When his aunt was about to lose her house in the province, he made several trips and made all the necessary dealings and payment with the local government. When my Dad's close relatives passed, he would really help our or sometimes take care of the funeral services.

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He loved the classics and my Dad was the one who introduced us to Frank Sinatra and to great movies from the golden era of cinema. I really thought all Daddies would let their kids watch "Anchors Aweigh", "Picnic", "From Here to Eternity", "Singing in the Rain", etc etc and have heroes like Gregory Peck, Humphrey Bogart, Kim Novak, William Holden, etc. etc. But I guess, we were the lucky ones. With his introduction my siblings and I knew the movies and actors that will always be lauded for many more years to come.

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When he'll be out late, we are always assured of boxes of Max's Fried Chicken as pasalubong.  My Daddy, no matter how old we got, would always take us home something. If we specified a certain food, he would bring him loads of it. You could just imagine then how he brought home food for my kids.

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My Daddy would always teach us to save and live a simple life. He trained us to only spend below our allowance (or salary). If we wanted something, he didn't give the money to us in a flash. We should save from our allowance.  He didn't care about signature clothes or accessories. What he did love were cars (because they could be sold if money was needed... he he he he).

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For my Dad, it's very important to have respect for elders. He always shared how he never answered back to his parents and still have high regard for them. We would see how this is true because even if my Dad had a strong personality and would debate with anyone having different views from him, he was still very obedient to his older sisters. He may be a leader among his friends, relatives, and work people, but when it comes to his parents and older sisters, he was very obedient.

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As you may have guessed by now, my Dad is THE typical alpha male! He was one of those classic guys who was the authoritarian, disciplinarian, bread winner, tough, macho, and leader of the pack. When you're with him, you wouldn't have to do or think of anything. He'll take care of it! Even if we offer to help out, he'll brush us aside and do everything that's needed. He'll delegate of course, but he would do all of the thinking. Ha ha ha ha! As a result, we would just sit back and relax. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Don't worry. His OC ways taught us what we also needed to do when it was our turn to do something.

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LDG or Chairman, as others would call him, is such a hoarder! Besides not throwing anything (because he believes that the items and its small parts will have some use in the future) he will always buy everything in bulk. This is actually for the business but when he's at the store, he'll remember that we might need this or that. As a result, when we need a screws, pins, plastic bags, pen, a notebook, flourescent lights, toilet seats, etc. etc., we just need to go to his stockroom and find everything there WITH extra! Name it he's got it! He could put up a mini-store with some of the things he got on-hand!

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Daddy is a practical man who was more into usefulness than beauty. Much to the frustration of my Mom, he would fix or add furniture in the house that would spell more comfort for us. An example of this is when he had handle bars everywhere... Ha ha ha ha ha! It was an eyesore but when he grew older, it was very useful.

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Daddyowzers is also our friendly household "Mr. Fix-It". He loves making kalikot of our gadgets and household items and fix it, his way. When we have something wrong with our watch, remote control, alarm clock, etc, we always give it to him for "repairs" and he could instantly make it look like brand new. His hands are so steady that I could always count on him to glue my broken pair of glasses, vases, and more. You could just imagine how the little lords run to him when their toys are broken. He would always repair our beloved things and save us from buying new ones.

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My Daddy loved our home. For him it's not not a house, it's a home with feelings. Yes seriously. For him, since we had such a good life in our home we should always be respectful of it. Every year we would ask him to spend Christmas and New Year out of town or in a hotel. But he would have none of it. "Kawawa yung bahay." He cannot bear the thought of starting the New Year with an empty home. I guess he knew what he was talking about because we would always have good vibes and fortune when we lived in our house. By the way, he built our home. Maybe that's one of the reasons why he loved it so much.

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It may not look like it but my Daddy loved dogs. Like me, he had a dog before who died on him that's why he never took care of another one. Still, he let us have pets and would teach us how to take care of it. He also believed that dogs are "pamalit buhay" and would give its life to somebody who's sick in the family. This proved true in our experience. Too bad though that when my Dad got sick we did not have a dog then. But the funny thing was, his favorite vehicle conked out the day of his passing. He he he he! Not really a "pamalit buhay" I guess, but that's his ride now in heaven!

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You would NEVER see my Daddy at home wearing only a sando or egad, going shirtless. Like my Lolo, he would always make it a point to go outside the room, neatly dressed, and always wearing an undershirt. No matter how hot the weather, he wouldn't be sloppy or dress inappropriate. That's why I don't like seeing men lounging around without a shirt on. For me it's unhygienic.

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Even if my Daddy was strict and the usual alpha male, he was also very playful. He encouraged us to believe in Santa Claus and would even answer our kiddie letters. One time, while we were bunking in their room, my Daddy came in holding two billiard sticks and draped over a white cloth. It looked that he was a floating body! We all got scared and believed that a zombie came to get us that my brother gave the "monster" a bonk on the head using an empty box. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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My Dad was the ultimate Lolo. He just love spoiling his grandkids that there were times when I would be frustrated with my Daddy when he gives the boys their every whim. I try to ground them but my Dad would always be to the rescue with an invite to Powerplant Mall and extra allowance to boot for the arcade. Hay naku!!!! Would you believe that since my sons loved fighting over the channel in my Daddy's room, he bought 2 more sets??? Yes he did! Since he always wanted his grandsons to be nearby when he's watching his dvds and to watch what they wanted, he got a total of 3 TVs in his room -- one for Daddy, one for Mati, and one for Andrei. Yup. My Mom was not a factor in the counting. Ha ha ha ha. At first I would get angry and ask him to stop spoiling the boys. Sometimes, kakainin ko na lang yung food but he would insist that I should just give it to his apos if they asked for it. Ha ha ha ha ha! Later on I just gave up and became thankful that he loved my boys so much. Besides, it's my job to discipline them. He told my Mom that he could never resist his grandsons because they made him very happy as well. And, he wanted Mati and Andrei to remember him as the Lolo who was very generous and loving to them. You know what? It worked because the boys loved my Dad so much. Master Mati would even take care of him when he got sick. And now that he's gone, my boys miss him terribly. They cried when he was laid to rest and even wrote on their study tables their message for their Lolo. Mati and Andrei would even remind us everyday to pray the rosary for the soul of my Daddy. Haaaaay :(

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Flowers from "Roger" Valentimes 2012

Every Valentimes day, my Daddy would ALWAYS send me a bouquet of red roses and write on the card that it's from "Roger -- your secret admirer." Roger was his code name, his favorite name rather, and would always use it as his alias. Even if we would see each other in the morning, he would have the driver deliver the flowers in school, or where I worked. "Para makita nila marami kang admirers!!!" he would always say. And true enough, whenever I get to work and see a big bouquet on my table, my officemates would ask me "HUY KANINO GALING YAN???" Yep! This went on up to last year. :)

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My Daddy has always been my ultimate team mate, aka "kakampi". Whenever there's a rumble at home, he would always be the one to take my side. He always understood and was protective of me. When I would have a disagreement with him (I could be very bratty, sorry), he would always woo me out or make suyo so that we'll be "friends" again. I remember that everytime he arrived home and see me sulking at the dining table, he would call me with a playful "PSSST!" and when I look his way, he would raise his eyebrows at me with matching energetic nod of the head. If that won't work, he would bring me home food. He he he he.... Maybe that's why I became a bit bratty because he would do this even if it was my fault.

(Most recently, I had a disagreement with the family that caused me to sulk in my room. The whole day I was there. I didn't get the familiar shout out summoning me to go down and be asked what's the matter. I didn't get the usual "PSSST!" while I was eating alone at the dinner table [I was still sulking]. Suddenly, no one was making suyo or going the extra mile to be my team mate or make amends.) I guess that's why my attitude went on the whole day. The usual "peace maker" was not there to fix things.0

:(

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I just realized that my Daddy has always been my number one fan when it comes to my cooking. I love to cook and I would usually experiment with pastas and meat dishes with gravy. Now not all of my dishes are successful. I've had several kadiri to death failures. But for my Dad, it's always "WOW SARAP!!!" and request for me to cook it again. I don't know if he really loved it or faking it but I would always feel so good whenever he showed his enthusiasm and appetite in eating my creations. When I don't have work, he would be so happy if I cooked his favorite Sardine Pasta. And even if the trip was several years ago, he hasn't forgotten this Adobo dish I cooked for him in the US. It's just so heartening to realize now (yes as I'm typing this) that my Daddy has never said anything negative about the dish I made. No "Kailangan pa ng patis" or "Mas masarap sana kung....". Whatever I created for him was always perfect.

Like I said... "Admirer" ko talaga. He he he he...

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One time, I had a secret boyfriend whose uncle was not in good terms with my Dad. I don't keep secrets so I told my Mom who said I should immediately put a stop to it because surely my Daddy would get angry. My Dad doesn't like it when the people around don't side with him. I told my aunt, my usual ally, who also warned me that my Dad would get really mad. She was scared that he'll think of me as going against him. Almost everyone was telling me to break it off with him because my Daddy's temper was really one for the books. Then finally the day came that my Mom and I decided to tell my Dad. While I waited in my room, my Dad came in and instead of his usual shouts and profanities (yes he is a loud man when angry... ha ha ha ha), he said in a very loving voice "O, yun na ba sasabihin nyo sakin?? Akala ko naman kung ano na! Wala yun! Kung san ka masaya!!!"

Yup. It may look like a scene from a movie, but I promise you it's true. That relationship did not last long but the memory of how my Dad chose to focus on my happiness rather than his personal matters was something I think was more worthy than an Oscar.

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My Daddy is all for higher education. If you can, study, study, study!!! Even after he graduated and became a Civil Engineer, he still took his Masters in Ateneo and UP. My brothers and sisters took after him. I guess I disappointed him a bit because he always wished for me to be a lawyer but I felt my brain was not capable of it. Oh well. I guess there's always one in every family. He he he he he!!!

BUT, even if he wanted me to become a lawyer, he was still so proud when I started working at EAT BULAGA. I find it amusing how, even when my brothers and sister were lawyers, an animator, and a doctor, he would still boast about me to his friends. Many people ask me why I don't resign from my job and help out in the family business. It's because my Dad was happy that I'm working in EAT BULAGA and lets me have my thing.

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I remember how my Daddy was very integral in pushing my Mommy to finish med school and push her to take the board. Yup! My Dad wouldn't let their relationship crush my Mom's dreams of becoming a doctor. And with his help, she became one!

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He would always do what he can to provide for us. He was constantly working and making sure that we would all have a comfortable life for us and his grandchildren.

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As he was getting older, my Daddy prepared everything so that we won't have a hard time when he's gone. He transferred titles, established a lasting business, made a system in the maintenance of it, and declared all he wanted so that we won't be confused or asking questions after his departure. All of his bilins were such a big help because we did not have to guess anything or make doubtful decisions.  Yep. My OC Dad as usual fixed everything for us even from the afterlife. He he he he he!


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"Game of Thrones: Kissed by Fire (#3.5)" (2013)

Beric Dondarrion: I know. Every time I come back... I'm a bit less. Pieces of you get chipped away. 

Arya Stark: Could you bring back a man without a head? Not six times. Just once. 

Thoros of Myr: I don't think it works that way, child. 

Beric Dondarrion: He was a good man, Ned Stark. He's at rest now, somewhere. I would never wish my life upon him. 

Arya Stark: [sadly] I would. You're alive. 


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Sherlock (TV Series) The Reichenbach Fall (2012)

Dr. John Watson: I was... I was so alone. And I owe you so much.

[turns and starts to walk away]

Dr. John Watson: Oh, please, there's just one more thing, right? One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't... be... dead. Would you, just for me, just stop it? STOP THIS.


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Anne of Green Gables (1985)

ANNE: Please, Matthew. You need help. We've got to get a doctor.

MATTHEW: I've worked hard all my life. I'd rather just drop in the harness. I got old; I never noticed.

ANNE: If I'd been the boy you sent for, I could have spared you in so many ways.

MATTHEW: I never wanted a boy. I only wanted you from the first day. Don't ever change. I love my little girl. I'm so proud of my little girl.


ANNE: Matthew, don't.

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"Together Again"
by Janet Jackson

There are times when I look above and beyond
There are times when I feel your love around me baby
I'll never forget my baby

When I feel that I don't belong
Draw my strength
From the words when you said
Hey it's about you baby
Look deeper inside you baby

[BRIDGE]
Dream about us together again
What I want us together again baby
I know we'll be together again cuz

[CHORUS:]
Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin back at me
Dancin in moonlight
I know you are free
Cuz I can see your star
Shinin down on me


I remember how many, many years ago, you told me you liked this song and I chuckled because I think it's the only one you fancied that's not from our "golden hits" list. He he he....

Now I'm loving and always singing this piece by Janet Jackson because the message is just so right for you and our family. And yes, we always feel that you are smiling back at us.

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During my Daddy's wake, everyone gave their kind opinions on the peaceful venue, the beautiful flowers, and his urn. We would always respond that it was Daddy's wishes to be cremated immediately and that he'll have a short wake in his favorite church. Besides not wanting to hassle us, my Dad did not like to be put on display for people to point out how different he looked Ha ha ha ha! (Yep! Still wanting to be pogi to the end ha ha ha ha!). That was a relief for us because just having an urn lessened for us the visual burden of his passing. For us, it felt like he just went away. And yes, we also didn't want to see him in a different way. We felt that he was still alive somewhere.

At first I thought we're all going to be okay. On his interment, nobody cried (except for cutie Andrei who sobbed), maybe because for us, the urn was just a symbol that he went away on a loooong trip. But suddenly one Saturday, 2 weeks after his death, the Chinese Adonis and I were in Powerplant Mall after a family dinner. And then everywhere I looked, it reminded me of my Dad. We have been to Rockwell many times after his passing. But this time it was different. Suddenly I felt sick and had a breakdown. The real emotion of how much I missed him finally came out. I have cried many times days before and after he died, but this was the worst one long after he was gone. I was so angry. I kept on thinking "Daddy stop this. Stop this sick joke. Just please come back. Tama na tong kalokohan na to." I cannot accept bigla that I will live in a world without him in it. And that I will only see him when I get old and die??? 

Many people told us before that it will be harder to go home after his funeral. Seriously we were all calm afterwards and would just focus on being together. But after 2 weeks, the reality had finally sunk in, and it was so painful. I cried non-stop for 2 days and got my eyes all puffy again. I was so frustrated. I realized maybe I was just in denial before but now, we are starting to see the painful truth that he's not coming back. It sucked. It really, really, really, sucked.

I've lost interest in checking my Facebook account because if I review my profile, I would see in my timeline how he was with us in earlier posts. I could not get myself to publish my many blog posts because saying "Check out this resto..." suddenly seem so trivial and disrespectful. 

I also don't feel like going out with friends or attend blogging invites. I'm sure my Daddy wouldn't want us to stay home and be depressed but I feel it's so wrong  to be just carelessly happy. Also, I cannot just leave my Mom to be lonely at home. Besides, you wouldn't want me for company muna because I would laugh, then sulk, and suddenly cry. Ha ha ha ha!  

It was worse before. These days though, the tears are less (maybe because it ran out?), and we found ourselves laughing and joking. But there is that emptiness in our hearts that produces so much pain.

But still, ask me what happened, and I'll burst out crying. Ha ha ha ha ha! Our EB director made the mistake of doing that at work that after she asked the customary "What happened?", I choked and teared up. She then retreated and said "Ay sorry di na kita tatanungin!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 

I wonder if we'll ever be happy again? I'm sure we will someday. But not like before. And yes, life does go on. My family and I have gone back into our old routines and even added new ones. We have made a stronger commitment to take more care of the family especially my Mom. But haaaaay -- there is that sad reality that we will never be complete and life won't be the same again.

Somebody told me that I would feel my Dad most during prayer and in mass Now I'm not the most prayerful type of gal before but after Daddy left us, I would always offer prayers and do the rosary for him. And I see what my friend meant; whenever I offer the rosary for him and while praying it, I somehow feel a connection. I'm not sure if this is just my imagination but when I pray to God I feel that I'm also having another level of conversation with my Dad as well. That's why it may be a 180 degree turn but now I look forward to praying the rosary for my Daddy -- it somehow became my one-on-one session with him.

I'm sure you have noticed how different this blog post is from my other entries since it has less "visual effects" (aka photos... he he he). Let us just say that I will never run out of words to say about my favorite man in the world and this post is something very special in my heart. Besides, my Daddy loves reading anyways (hopefully he could forgive my wrong grammar). I will be publishing my usual posts (plus the 30+ personal entries I have already done) afterwards and you might say that everything will be back to "normal". But really, even if I will be back to my usual weirdness in my blogs, I know that it's just me trying to go on living my life. I may joke around and laugh, but the damage has been done and I'm not sure if inside, I'll be the same person as before. But don't worry. I won't be as whiny and dramatic in person. Because if I do, my family and kiddies would give me such a big bonk in the head. He he he he! Yep. Life should really go on and I'm sure my Daddy would want that for us as well. 

With that, I'm going to end this long entry with an advise. Much like what J.K. Simmons did in his Oscar speech -- Give your Mom and Dad a hug. Tell them you love them. Spend whatever time that you have with them. I promise you, it's not going to be enough. The Yappy Bunch lived with my parents and even if we're always together, BITIN NA BITIN PA DIN. I now remember the times that my Dad yelled his profanities (he's Cavitenyo so he says cuss words a lot even if he's happy) and shouted at us when he's angry but I would really do anything to hear it all again, and hug him. You'll miss EVERYTHING about them when they're gone -- their good and bad.




For now, I'm going to apologize... 
Sorry that I will be sulking at times...
Sorry that I'll be laughing one minute and crying the next...
Sorry that I won't be as responsive to messages and texts...
Sorry that I'll hate those who still have their Daddies...

I do know that life goes on and even if part of my life has already been sucked out of me, I will be consoled with the fact that the Lord has blessed my family with the BEST Daddy there is. During his wake, we only had our close relatives and family. We did not have a fiesta of visitors but that's because most of Daddy's friends and contemporaries have gone ahead of him. And you know what? That's some sort of comfort for us that my Daddy had OUTLIVED most of his friends, relatives, and workmates, because he had a long, fruitful, feisty, and happy life.  What I wrote here is just, what you may say, the tip of the iceberg. Those who knew him would always declare what a great man he was and will forever be.

My dear "Roger" may have been my secret admirer during my awkward years up to the present. But really, he is the one who will be always admired and remembered by the many people who love him and been helped by him.

I love you and miss you so much Daddy. Always. We will never forget you. 



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Post Script



We recently celebrated Daddy's 40th Day and while hearing mass offered for him, a butterfly was flying around and would land on windows, the flag, and walls. It then went on my Mommy's lap and stayed for a while. Later on, it flew near the altar before going back to my Mom, this time on her arm.  From all the mass attendees, the butterfly only went to my Mom. I really feel that it's my Daddy making his presence known (or saying good bye?) to his forever love.



Even if we were all waiting and yearning for Daddy to show up in our dreams, we were happy that he did this to my Mom. They say after all, that if your loved one does not make his presence felt too much, it means that they are happy where they are and they are at peace.

To that, I would also like to tell my Daddy that yes, even if you left us and we're missing you terribly, we are also doing okay and we have you to thank for it. You prepared everything and worked hard so that when it's time for you to go, we would still be financially able to take care of ourselves with the business that you put up and the savings you prepared for us. Maybe that's why you don't feel the need to show yourself in dreams or make paramdam because you know you don't have any unfinished business and that we'll all be okay.



When he was still with us, my Daddy would always express his love for my Mom. It's very heart-warming how even after his passing, we would still feel his affection for her. I remember Mommy telling us that 3 days after he passed, she was in her usual spot by the living room trying to get some rest. She was half asleep when she felt a hand caressing and giving her a light kiss on the cheek. When my Mom opened her eyes (thinking somebody was there) she saw no one. It was then she thought that it was Daddy because she felt the familiar short stubble that he had on his chin.

 Thank you so much Daddy for all of this. That romantic touch on your 40th Day with the butterfly and making Mommy feel you was typical Daddy. Are you doing something like Patrick Swayze did in "Ghost"? Because if you are, you're doing a much loving job of it. He he he. You just proved that even if we don't see you, you are always watching over us (especially Mommy). Thank you for that. It made us all feel that you didn't and wouldn't forget us.

The same way that we will always miss and NEVER forget you.


+++++++



Last night, after praying the rosary, I went to your picture (as I would often do) and said "Good night Daddyowzers! I love you and I miss you." But to that I added "Daddy sige na pakita ka naman sa dream ko tonight."

That night, I finally dreamed of him!

I dreamed that my siblings and I were with friends and we're at our usual Sunday table having dessert. When suddenly I saw Daddy entering the house as if he came from his usual morning gimik at Greenhills. He saw me and said playfully with arms spread out "O ano? Nandito na ako! Ano pa inaantay mo?" 

In my dream I know that he had already passed and that I was aware that he's a ghost. But I wasn't scared and said out loud  "Ay I don't care na ghost ka Daddy! Basta yayakapin kita!" With that, I ran to him and gave him a super tight hug. It felt so real and his embrace was so warm. I remember not letting go that even while we were all in the living room and just sharing stories, I was still hugging him. 

Later on, he said to me in his usual joking way "Sige, alis na ako. O ayan ha?" When I let go, that's when I woke up.

I was so happy that he finally appeared in my dream. It was like pinagbigyan niya ako since I'm always asking for it. The dream was somewhat bittersweet though because even if I was so thankful that I saw him and felt his hug, I suddenly want more. Could I dream of you everyday? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This just shows that even if he's physically gone, he is ALWAYS there for us and will be there when we need him. So typical of Daddy who will always find a way to help and be with us. Oh well. At least, this will be something special that I shared with him after he left us. I will never EVER forget it. 

And on another night (August 30), I got to dream of him again! It's like he heard me!

This time we were all about to have dinner but we were waiting for something. Turns out, we were waiting for Tito Rene who was wearing white and looked very well. I even said "Uy tito Rene! Okay ah! Kamusta ka na po?" He just smiled. We all knew that he had already passed and got the feeling that he will be with Daddy. Then Mommy came out of the room and called us "Tara! Picture na tayong lahat at aalis na Daddy nyo." We all went to the room and I saw you there again in white. You were making facial excercises like you often do. With that I remembered how you really belonged there in your usual spot and how miserable it was for us too see it empty when you left. I gave you a hug and then you said "O ayan ah. Nandito lang talaga ako lagi. Basta kapag kailangan nyo ako, sabihin nyo lang at magdasal kayo." You were still talking when I suddenly stood up to make sure our family picture was perfect. That was when I woke up. Grrr! I'm so engot!!!
I just realized that tito Rene arrived and that the two of you will be going somewhere?

Now I don't know if this is just a stocked up memory or a real message from you and my tito. But still I'm thankful for the soothing words and the reminder. It just strengthened something that we already know all along. And even if you're not in your usual spot by the TV, we know that it's not really empty.

I love you so much Daddy...

I'll never forget your warm hugs that smelled like Old Spice...
I'll never forget how you'll always bring me home something when you go out.
I'll never forget the way you would say your tagalog profanities when you're angry or happy.
I'll never forget the way how you greet me always with a sharp nod and "Psst" or "Ano??"
I'll never forget the way you'll say "Bye my peyborit dowter!" (you say the same thing to Ate Jit ha ha ha!)

And so, so, so, so, much more...

We love you Daddyowzers. We will always miss you.









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ILYD




10 comments:

  1. Hindi ko pa natatapos lahat, pero naiyak na ko. Isang mahigpit na Yakap Jaz. Ramdam kita bilang maka tatay din ako. Prayers for you and your family always.

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    1. Thank you dear Erika.... Thanks for the virtual hug. I am appreciating all comments and kind words. Kahit ako naiiyak everytime I read this (and I have read it a lot for proofreading). Thank you talaga dear Erika for being there. :) mwah :)

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  2. So happy to see you posting again! Your dad lives on in your heart and family's lives forever.

    Virtual hug and prayers.

    Kat from Maryland

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    1. Thank you dear Kat :) Your kind words and reading of my post means a lot. I really did not plan on writing this but I just felt a lot during that hard time and I wanted to let it out (for healing maybe?) Then I also thought of including my happy memories of him because that really deserved to be remembered forever. Thank you again and here's a hug tight right back. Mmwaaaaahh.... :) You made me smile this morning :)

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  3. Ms. Jaz, I'm just a message away hehehe. If you need someone to talk to I'm just here. Hindi pa man din tayo nagkikita ng personal pero ramdam ko yung napagdadaanan nyo. Kaya nyo po yan!

    -Bambhie Rosas Retardo-

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    1. Hi dear Bambhie! I know... Thank you so much. I really appreciate all of your messages. Big factor that I was able to pour out my sadness to somebody. Thank you again. Mmmwaaaaaaah!

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  4. i cried while reading your post. i can feel you as i also lost my dad 1 year ago. like you my dad is our travel, adventure and food buddy that everytime we went on an out-of-town trips my 2 other sisters and i will shed a bucket of tears. kasi we will always remember him in our activities.

    i know it will be still hard for you but i am looking forward that one morning you'll wake up wanting and enjoying your passion for food blogging. God bless..

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    1. Hi dear Arlene! :( My condolences too. What a cool Dad you have there too. :( I didn't know din that the first time you'd go to a place you always go to, will have such an affect. The first time I went to powerplant mall... to SM hypermart... etc etc. I ended up crying going home kasi I saw him everywhere. Haaaaaaay....

      I guess one of our consolations is that our Dad is (ayoko ng was ha ha ha ha) so well loved and that they will never be forgotten. They had such a great life that we were all there to see and feel their awesomeness.

      Everyday it's still hard pero ang laking help when I dreamt about him. Parang ang laking sakit ang nawala and I was somehow appeased with the thought that he is still there.

      With regards to food blogging, parang I want to document more my times with the family na. I don't want to attend events where there are a lot of people. I don't know why. I wonder if it will go back to normal. How about you?

      Thank you.... :)

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  5. This blogpost really moved me Ms.Jaz! I could feel the pain! I'm happy that you could now talk about it and moving on! Does this mean that you're finally back! I miss your blog!...Good thing I could read post again from you!

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    1. Thank you dear Dave for always being there. The pain will never really go away right? This blog post was made a loooooong time ago and I actually didn't feel like posting it yet. But it was time na since I had about 30+ blogs made already na sayang naman if matagalan.

      What helped me a lot was when I dreamt about him. Ang laking bigat ang nawala. I don't know why. Though the pain will always be there, my tears are less. I don't want to say I'm moving on siguro we're more like coping na lang with life without him. :( Haaaay.... ganun pala yun no? It's only been less than 3 months pala pero parang ang tagal tagal na. :(

      Thanks again dear Dave! Hope to meet you soon. Take care always and God bless. :)

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